Empire's got its Klingons
Another's got the Romulans
Starship Enterprise got Bwana Jim Kirk
He's a bullshittin' son-of-a-gun
He's as charming a one as a man can come
And he's horny as a country 'hoss'
And when the crewmen all get together at night
You know they all call Bwana Jim boss
Just because

They say you don't welsh on a Haven's done deal
With Uhura, you can't win
You don't joke about the ears of a certain commander
And you don't mess around with Jim

From reverse evolution come a country boy
Says, "I'm lookin' for Jim Kirk's home.
I am a pill-pushin' boy, my name be Leonard McCoy
But in the sickbay they call me Bones.
I'm lookin' for the captain of the Enterprise
The women all say he's great in the sack
Well, he took my wife, and it may sound trite,
But I come to get my honor back."
Everybody say, "Jack
Don't you know

You don't welsh on a Haven's done deal
With Uhura, you can't win
You don't joke about the ears of a certain commander
And you don't mess around with Jim"

A hush fell over the rec room as Jimmy come boppin' in with Yeoman Rand
And when the surgeon was done
Every part was awful bloody from the scalpel in his hand
Kirk was cut in 'bout a hundred places
And he was bruised in a couple more
And you better believe they sung a different kind of story
When Bwana hit the floor

They say you don't welsh on a Haven's done deal
But don't try to copy the doc
McCoy is the biggest fool in the Fleet
Because you don't mess with Captain Spock!